Humans are social beings, we need company to thrive. One more, the other less. But basically we can only survive if we have a supportive network of other humans. As a species, we developed a whole ton of social interaction tools and strategies that help us fit in and communicate. Usually, this works more or less on auto-pilot and every baby learns how to do it while growing up. But what if you can’t do it on auto-pilot? Then you need a whole different set of tools and strategies to compensate.

Neurodivergent (ND) people struggle hard to fit in. It’s as if the world isn’t made for us and we’re not compatible with how everybody else interacts. This is why most NDs develop coping strategies to appear “normal” in neurotypical society. It’s like putting on a mask so people don’t ostracise you. It can be helpful, depending on the situation. But mostly, it’s really harmful to us. Even leading up to a point when we don’t know who we really are because we negated ourselves for years. More about the harmful aspects later. Let’s first have a look at why interaction is so hard anyway. Among others, these are common ND traits that can impair social interaction:

Impulsivity

What a neurotypical person sees: It can express itself in many ways e.g. topic-jumping, oversharing or info-dumping. It also includes wide gestures, expressive talking, fast talking. It tends to interfere heavily with normal discussion and is very annoying to NT peeps (and sometimes even to NDs, too). Typically, people may say to the ND: you’re “too loud” or “too much” or even “hystercial”.

What it feels like for an ND: We get excited over stuff easily and want to express this. No matter if it’s something funny, something sad or something infuriating – our emotions are hard to control. This is a medical fact. The topic-jumping happens when a fast chain of associations kicks in in our brains, making us jump seemingly random from topic to topic.

What an ND does while masking: When we get confronted with our behaviour, we want to avoid it because basically, all the phrases beginning with “You’re too loud, too fast, too much …” are heart-breaking and drive us deeper into masking. We tone ourselves down, a lot. Suppressing all these urges, and keeping our voice nice and quiet is hard work. Imagine, you have to remember to do it. All. The. Time. And never let your guard slip. Basically, we’re like exctited little toddlers when our favourite subject is discussed. It’s hard to keep the enthusiasm low-key and gestures small. This tenses up the whole body = stress on the nervous system.

Impatience

What a neurotypical person sees: It is really annoying. Imagine you’re in the middle of telling a story or explaining something and get interrupted. Over and over again. You can’t get a sentence to its end because the other person cuts you off. Or goes off on a completely new side-track.

What it feels like for an ND: Listening to a slow talker takes us to the brink of pain. ADHDers think with the speed of a fighter jet – yet a highly unstable one in a spiralling trajectory. This means, we’re often able to finish other peoples’ sentences for them. Especially if we know the other person well. Also, when we get ideas in the middle of conversation, we want to get them out as quick as possible lest we forget them again – which we really do, instantly. We do have the processor capacity of a supercomputer and would be able to rule the world, if only our RAM wasn’t so tiny and we could remember what we were about to do ten seconds ago.

What an ND does while masking: We can’t control how our brain processes input and we can’t slow it down (and why should we?). So, we still know what the other person’s about to say but instead of blurting it out we clench our jaws (Don’t forget to make a nice face while doing this! Level 5 Challenge). This tenses up the whole body = stress on the nervous system.

Avoiding eye-contact

What a neurotypical person sees: You are focused on your conversation partner and give them your full attention. This includes looking in their face, scanning for responsive expressions. NTs look each other in the eye for this. In return, you expect no less. Your conversation partner on the other hand, looks away and you get the feeling they’re not interested in what you have to say.

What it feels like for an ND: It’s something that mostly autists experience (this doesn’t mean that every autist does and it can also happen to ADHDers and other ND people). Establishing eye contact can feel very uncomfortable and disruptive to the train of thought. To focus intensely on what the other person says, eye contact is avoided. They do give your their full attention even if it doesn’t look that way.

What an ND does while masking: To compensate, a lot of unpleasant feelings are suppressed. It’s really hard for some NDs to establish and keep up eye contact. This tenses up the whole body = stress on the nervous system.

Stimming

What a neurotypical person sees: Self-stimulatory behaviour expresses itself in a multitude of ways. You may see the typical “ADHD fidgeting” of hyperactive persons. Or the other person makes repetitive noises or sings. Some stims are socially accepted, like fidgeting with a ring on your finger which nobody notices. Other stims can be very disruptive or annoying to NTs (or NDs as we get another sensory overload).

What it feels like for an ND: Stimming helps regulate our nervous system. It can fullfil two different functions: It can either calm us down when we’re overstimulated or it can boost us if we’re understimulated. Yes, understimulation is possible. Actually, it’s hard for an ADHDer to get to the “Goldilocks zone” of stimulation where everything is just right.

What an ND does while masking: We get told to stop fidgeting and sit still. If we can’t find a stim that is socially accepted and works for us, we lose an important tool for self-regulation. And, you might have guessed it: when we suppress stimming, it tenses up the whole body = stress on the nervous system.

Resting bitch face

What a neurotypical person sees: You are in the company of somebody who looks as if they are grumpy or sad. They don’t smile but they frown and you have no idea why their mood is so bad. When you ask them what’s wrong, they’re very surprised and tell you, no, everything’s fine, actually.

What it feels like for an ND: Pinching our eyebrows is helpful for us in at least two scientifically reasearched ways: 1. It helps us concentrate more. Also NTs benefit from doing this while doing math or solving problems. 2. It shields our eyes from too bright light (sensory overload from too bright environment is common among NDs). When we relax our face, the corners of our mouth tend to droop. This doesn’t mean we’re angry or sad. In fact, we may well even enjoy ourselves quietly over something. Many of us go as far as training facial expressions in front of a mirror so we can memorise what it feels like for the muscles to work in a certain way to express e.g. a smile.

What an ND does while masking: To keep up a neutral face or a slight smile that appears relaxed (but is far from it, in truth), we have to keep this expression up with our focus and willpower. We actually have to remember rearranging our face in a way that isn’t disturbing to NTs. We constantly check all the little muscles to make sure everything stays in place. Maybe this is the truest definition of masking. Our own face becomes a mask. Add to this all the other little subroutines that run while we are trying to appear “normal”. This tenses up the whole body = stress on the nervous system.

Long-term masking is very harmful

You will have noticed a pattern: Masking is very exhausting. It drains our energy levels fast if we are in NT company who are not familiar with our special features. Many late-diagnosed NDs mask their whole lives without even realising it. We get criticised constantly for our behaviour in childhood and are taught “how a good girl/boy must behave” when socialising. Often, incognito NDs get burn-out, depression or anxiety, or all of these. This is why it’s so important to spread the word. To save people from mental illness or health issues that could be avoided if they knew about their condition and would be able to live according to their needs.

Nice to meet you, Myself!

The journey of a late diagnosed adult – all parts of the blog series:

1. Disclosure – You have what?! – Harmful prejudices in society
2. Childhood – Growing up being different – Factors that influence ADHD
3. Hyperfocus – An ADHD superpower that comes with a price
4. Excitement and Connecting – The Ugly Duckling

★ to be continued ★

additional articles related to neurodivergence,
basic everyday stuff and life hacks

My sources

When I’m writing about symptoms of neurodivergent disorders, the information comes from several sources: One of my main sources is ADXS.org, a site available in English and German. I also consult other sites, preferably with professional medical background. I usually don’t consult blogs of private persons where information can’t be verified. Some things are my own observation and have been compared with other sources. I strive for accuracy and verified information. It’s not easy as a lot is still unknown about neurodiversity and many clichés are still being published that have been proven wrong years ago. If you stumble about somethings that you know for a fact is wrong, please get in touch by using either the comment form or the contact form.