You are valid. You are seen.
Your struggles are real.

Sometimes, you need to read these exact words. Especially if you live your life in the strange feeling that you are different from others, yet you cannot put your finger on it.

This article is also available in German – Hier klicken für die deutsche Version

Disclaimer: I am not a doctor or qualified medical person. If you experience health issues, mental or physical, please get help from a professional. This website is not meant to give medical advice, just some basic information and examples about what it means to live with Autism or ADHD. It is by no means complete, symptoms and severity vary strongly individually.

Your spirit animal: is it a bear, wolf, tiger or… a squirrel?

You’re already late for work. In stress, you search all your pockets and bags lest you forget your important stuff: wallet, driver’s license, mobile phone, keys… Oh, no, not again! Now where are those damn keys again?
Forgetfulness and disorganisation…

On the road to work, you notice small things nobody seems to notice: a baby crying, somebody talking loudly on their phone, people listening to music on their speaker, that annoying noise the guy next to you makes while chewing some candy. You feel emotions rising up inside you, irrational fury.
Hypersensitivity…

At work, you talk to people. Your customers, co-workers, boss. You sometimes have the impression that you are not talking in the same language because they constantly misunderstand you. Can even get offended over something you said that was entirely logical to you.
Socially awkward…

Somebody mentions a topic that you excel in, a special interest of yours. You can’t help but chime in and tell everybody everything you know about this awesomely amazing thing you read about and which fascinates you no end. Only to realise much later that you’re looking into blank faces.
Info dumping…

Your tasks seem boring and you can’t bring yourself to just do them. Something inside you is blocked. Instead your brain is singing its latest earworm to you on repeat while the unsteady noise of the old air con is tugging at your nerves.
Attention deficiency…

You get back home, feeling drained and don’t know why. Your co-workers keep telling you what they’re all going to do after work. Sports, a concert, an appointment at the doctor’s and later a Zumba course… You keep wondering where they get the energy for all this stuff. You feel happy if you manage to do just some basic household cleaning but it’s all overwhelming.
Low energy levels and exhaustion…

You drop down on the sofa, wanting to rest just a couple of moments to get your breath back. But now you are unable to get up again. Finally, you manage to get your behind up from the sofa after looking at the walls for what felt like hours, feeling guilty like hell for your “laziness”.
Executive dysfunction…

As you make your way about the flat, your jacket gets stuck on the door handle, pulling you back in an awkward move. As you get a cup out of the cupboard, you bump your head on the doorframe.
Impaired movement awareness aka clumsiness…

You’re underneath your cosy blanket and just want to go to sleep. But your brain decides now is the perfect moment to replay all the situations of the day when you felt you didn’t manage to socialise correctly. Over and over. Meanwhile, there’s that damn earworm again.
Overthinking…

“Yeah, I know, happens to me too, all the time. All this stuff doesn’t mean you have a screw loose or something. You’re just not resilient enough.”

It’s true, all these things are normal – to a certain degree. That’s why people may tell you “not to be so thin-skinned”. You may write it down to your current mood or (if you’re a woman) hormones. Yet the feeling lingers that you don’t do enough. That you’re not making an enough effort. After all, everybody else handles their lives with ease and you can’t get the most simple things done…

Instead of continuing self-flagellation, it may be wise to acknowledge that all these events cover just some of the symptoms that neurodivergent people experience day by day. And there are many symptoms more; far too many to name them all here.

Yes, there is no such a thing as a “perfectly normal brain”: everybody knows these issues. But if they happen often enough or severe enough to impair your life or your mental health, it is time to take action. Because:

All the self-doubt and low-key despair at not being able to “function correctly” invite some close friends of Autism and ADHD: Depression and Anxiety.

Especially in women, who often don’t express the external hyperactivity traits typical in young ADHD boys and men, depression is the first diagnosis in most cases. ADHD remains unseen and they are treated for their mental health issues without recognition of the underlying neurodivergence. An additional problem ist that NDs (neurodivergent people) often experience bullying and trauma in their childhood. It is necessary to raise awareness to the fact that a large, unkown number of adults go undiagnosed and suffer. If you or somebody close to you suffers from mental health issues, please find help. Don’t be ashamed; it’s not a stigma anymore to admit that everybody needs help now and then. Communication is key, don’t be afraid of telling people your needs.

Such as:

• the need to find a quite place to calm down from overstimulation
• the need to communicate clearly and precisely, without confusing ambiguity
• the need to stim (= self-stimulatory behaviour, usually by doing repetitive movents or sounds)

ADHD is not an illness, it’s a different operating system in your head. Therefore, it’s not really curable. But a good therapist can help with finding ways to master the everyday challenges better. And, more important, can help you with understanding yourself better.

A child’s toy analogy

You certainly know the toy boxes that toddlers have: a box with different formed slots to put in different formed blocks. A square, a rectangle, a triangle, a circle, … Now imagine a world that is built for people who all look like a square. There are slots everywhere that are built for squares to fit in.

But what if you’re not a square? What if you’re a circle by birth? You will never fit into this world that is specifically made for squares. This is what neurodivergent people experience every day: a world that is not made for them. They make every possible effort to accomodate and fit in. They try so hard to appear like squares that it drains their energy; this is called masking. It may work for a couple of years but at some point in their life, they realise it’s eating them up and numbing who they really are.

Only few neurotypical (“normal”) people are aware of this constant struggle. It would be nice if more knew and made an effort of meeting us in the middle between circle and square. Accept the fact that in some situations NDs are not as resilient but also embrace the fact the we excel at certain tasks. Build a world that has not only square slots but circle slots, triangle slots, star-shaped slots… so that everybody may fit in and excel at what they’re good in, instead of wasting precious energy in pretending being something they’re not.

Well, this was long… what next?

Autism and ADHD are not the only neurodivergent disorders. Dyslexia or borderline personality disorder as well as eating disorders and others can be found under this term. If you want to read further about medical background and are looking for good self-assessment, ADxS.org is a good place to look.

Deutsch: Ich kann jedem, der sich tiefergehend informieren möchte, die Seite ADxS.org ans Herz legen. Dort gibt es kostenlose Selbsttests (professionelle mit langem Fragekatalog, nicht die Kurztests mit nur fünf Fragen).

About this article

Only recently, I realised that I’m have ADHD spectrum (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder). I lived 45 years without any clue that I had what is called a disorder. Sure, there were always struggles but doesn’t everybody struggle? Yes, they do but not in this quality nor quantity. The realisation that there is a tangible reason for my struggles was a true game-changer. It would have spared me years of suffering if I had known it earlier.

My intention was to shed some light on what it means to live with an ND spectrum disorder. It’s not easy but you get better at understanding your own needs and handling them once you know what causes your discomfort.

I cordially encourage you to read about ADHD and all related neurodivergent topics including Autism. It changes the lives of people for the better if we all accept as a global society that people are different, not only in their tone of skin or sexual identity but also in their brain chemistry.

If you are neurotypical, please keep this in mind when you see somebody struggle doing something or reacting in an unexpected way at some situation the next time. Thank you. <3