From loser to Indigo Child? Questions of self-perception and identity

It’s been a long road so far. Or more like a long roller-coaster ride. My journey as a late-diagnosed ADHDer began in autumn 2023, almost three years ago. During this time, some very important realisations have changed my life and my identity.

For almost all of my life, I felt like a loser. I knew I had potential yet I failed at simple tasks, like remembering where I put my keys. “You should be better. You should be able to (insert basic life skill, like “make phone calls”) with ease yet you struggle.” On the other hand, I got praise for my creativity in drawing and writing. Having high expectations for myself, I felt awful when I wasn’t able to reproduce my success at will.

Social interaction with people outside my small bubble always felt hard. I got rejected for my behaviour even though I tried so hard to be part of a social group. I tried to be a normal human when in reality, I was more like an alien. All the time I felt like I was born on the wrong planet, among the wrong species. And I never knew why everything felt so hard and difficult.

Awareness finds labels, fuels knowledge and changes identity

What changed since my diagnosis? Today, I have labels to name and identify my struggles. Attention deficit, impaired working memory, RSD, masking, autism, to name just a few. These labels don’t make the struggles go away but it helps to be able to call them what they are. To know I’m not alone. To accept that I just can’t function like others do.

Only privileged people ask, “What do you need all these labels for? After all, we’re all the same human beings. These are just variants of normal.” Yes, Karen, I’m painfully aware of this but 90% of the population on this planet aren’t. And for those 90%, I need terminology for explaining my reality to them. That’s an important lesson I learned. Also, that I’ve been discriminated all my life without being aware.

Recognising ableism and calling it out

Neurodivergent people are a minority and like all minorities, we experience discrimination. In most cases, this happens out of ignorance. People just aren’t aware that the person they are scolding might simply not be able to comply because their brain is temporarily stuck in a non-functional mode. I’ve often heard “ADHD” being used as a slur, as if having ADHD means being dumb, loud and uncoordinated.

The full scale of this hit me during my journey. When I didn’t know what caused my struggles, I just thought that I was just not trying hard enough and deserved to be chided for my shortcomings. And I was part of this system myself: Before diagnosis, there were many cases when I was annoyed by someone else’s behaviour which in hindsight I can identify as typical ND. Now I know: I had very high standards for my own masking to “blend in” and I used to judge those who couldn’t mask. Today, I feel like an asshole when remembering this. We, as a society are far too fast to judge other people. This is another important lesson I learned in the last three years. We need to cultivate kindness and compassion as a society. Let’s all try not to be assholes any more.

Learning never stops

Another important lesson I learned is that I barely scratched the surface of everything that is involved with being neurodivergent. Still so much to find out and to research. Medical studies have brought plenty of co-morbidities to light that are linked to the genes that cause ADHD, Autism and other neurodivergent conditions. It’s easy to spot: things like Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome or MCAS occur significantly more often in ND persons. And vice versa: More than half of all Ehlers-Danlos cases have co-morbid ADHD. It’s safe to say that this is not a coincidence.

One sobering thing I found out is that a lot of these co-morbidities have depression and anxiety as symptoms. It seems ND peeps have a natural risk of turning into a human variant of Marvin, the robot. (Fun fact: giftedness (see also here) is also a ND condition. So if you’re not only ADHD/Autistic with superfast pattern recognition and superfast thoughts but also gifted, then yes, you are probably indeed the smartest person in the room… like Marvin.)

Indigo… what?

Another lesson: ADHD means being in a constant state of paradox: No other condition can combine potential genius and success with potential lifelong dysphoria and anxiety. A person can be smart enough to invent three world-changing gadgets while at the same being incapable of changing a lightbulb due to executive dysfunction.

In esoteric circles, the label “indigo child” exists. Critics express that this is just a nicer name for ADHDers (like “scanner personality”, remember the difference between an ADHDer and a scanner: financial freedom). Parents who perceive the ADHD diagnosis for their child as a deficit prefer to reframe it by saying they’re something very special; they’re an indigo child: Somebody higher evolved with the potential to change the world. Which is, of course, highly debatable.

Not only is this a statement of utter delusion and entitlement, it can also have an extremely negative impact on the child’s development. The parents may not be ready to accept medical and psychological support for their child if needed. Denying that the child may need psychiatric help is dangerous for their wellbeing (not to mention that most likely at least one of the parents must be indigo too, given the dominant genetic factor).

Even though my opinion of these “privilege labels” like scanner and indigo is negative (more about this here), it’s still interesting to examine the personality traits that come with the label “indigo child” (source: Wikipedia, my comments are set in italics):

• empathic, curious, and strong-willed (emotional dysregulation/overstimulation, Curiousity with a capital C!)
• often perceived by friends and family as being strange (Ummm… yes?)
• Possess a clear sense of self-definition and purpose (in my twenties yes, now… not so much)
• Show a strong innate subconscious spirituality from early childhood (which, however, does not necessarily imply a direct interest in spiritual or religious areas) (can confirm)
• Have a strong feeling of entitlement, or deserving to be here (Errr… nope. At least not true for the ADHDers I know but of course there are always exceptions)

Other attributed traits include:

• High intelligence quotient (depending on currently active brain mode, unpredictably fluctuating between “what was I about to do and what’s going on in general” and “ah, so that’s how Sanskrit works”)
• Inherent intuitive ability (fast learner but only when hyperfixation is triggered)
• Resistance to rigid, control-based paradigms of authority (shout-out to my autistic friends because this is a huge overlap between ADHD and the Tism. We cannot accept illogical and unfair rules and want them explained, in-depth. We have time. Afterwards, we explain to you why we think these rules are illogical and unfair and should be changed to “xy”, in-depth.)

If people feel the need to reframe ADHD as something glorious and special, then perhaps we should look deeper into this. Yes, ADHD comes with a number of positive features. We are independent thinkers, creatives, musicians, authors, inventors, emergency doctors and so much more. We think the weird thoughts that nobody else does. We walk the liminal spaces to see what happens there, out of curiousity. We work best under pressure. We refuse to fit into any kind of rigid structure because of our innate for discovering new ideas, new horizons.

Anecdotal observation of my own: Hollywood has a thing for maladjusted, risk-taking whackos. It’s not outright stated that these characters have ADHD but it’s noticeable how many movies feature a variant of the heroic archetype of “gifted pilot who recklessly flies the most dangerous manoeuvres to save the world yet fails to follow orders and/or is a loner.” This. Screams. Neurodivergent. All. Over. The. Effing. Place. So, there obviously are typical neurodivergent character traits that are considered as desirable assets in a specific environment.

Presumably, Christopher Columbus had ADHD, too. It makes sense because no normal person would see a vast, dangerous body of water and think “Hey, let’s see what happens when we sail straight out there until we cannot see any more land, and then keep sailing some more”. Of course, this is only an assumption, and the example is simplified because he did have the knowledge of how to calculate his course, if not exactly as it turned out. And yet, for an enterprise like crossing the Atlantic Ocean with only a vague idea of where you are going, you need people with a specific mindset. Unfortunately, what happened when he got to the other side is a very dark chapter of history.

I will make a bold claim here: At least 90% of all important inventions, all things that support mankind’s progress, all exceptional pieces of music, art and beauty, were created and are still being created by neurodivergent people. People who are used to think outside the box. Who are used to being called weird or excentric and don’t give a fuck about this. What makes me say this, is a recognisable pattern. When you know what to look for, the biographies of famous people become like a neurodivergent encyclopedia. These are the true indigo children who have learned to live with their struggles and used their potential. Nowadays, as the stigma of mental health issues is receding, more and more celebrities dare admit that they have a diagnosis as well. Another important lesson that I have learned: It is possible to live a successful and happy life with ADHD even though the circumstances can be difficult.

Knowing all of this, how has it changed my self-perception?

So, apparently my body’s neurotransmitters, CNS, prefrontal cortex and amygdala are botched by default. And I don’t just have ADHD but a whole bundle of accompanying co-morbidities. I have numerous health difficulties like chronic pain, low blood pressure, dysphoria, hypermobility, executive dysfunction, low energy levels and more. Some days, getting up in the morning feels like climbing the Mt Everest. And apparently I did sign up for this when incarnating into this world.

At times, I hate my condition. It feels like the whole world is playing the same video game, only mine’s difficulty is set to “hard”. It’s like playing Tetris and everybody gets a nice and easy combination of floatily falling blocks that fit neatly into each other. Well, in my Tetris, there’s only one type of block, the angled one that never fits anywhere, comes when you least expect it and leaves irritating gaps while stacking. And it doesn’t float down, it hits the ground at Warp speed. (Extra bonus feature for all autistic peeps: the rules of the game change arbitrarily and follow no recognisable logic.) With unsupported, traumatised ADHD, the whole life is set to “hard” mode and it’s a long way out of the darkness.

Then, there are the moments when something inexplicably happens in my brain and everything clicks into place. The world is perfect, I am perfect, I am flow. Inspiration and energy – Boom, magic. These are the moments, when I would not change my condition for anything in the world.

The emotional depth an ND can process is beyond normal ability. I do not make this up, it’s a medical fact (too smol amygdala) and a key symptom of ADHD. It’s called emotional dysregulation and is responsible for impulsivity and unruly behaviour. Basically, it means every emotion feels much more intense. It’s hard to deal with and cannot be controlled in any feasible way except with therapy and medication.

Feeling too strong is, of course, crappy for sadness, anger and fear, but for emotions of happiness, connectedness and enthusiasm, it’s bliss. ADHD enthusiasm is like a super-fueled turbo boost when literally everything suddenly becomes possible and a multitude of super-fast ideas leave sparkling trails in my mind. I can’t control this and still get overwhelmed by emotions quite easily. But I can accept it for what it is now. And I have learned to appreciate this ability in its rare beautiful moments, now that I know it’s not for granted.

Not being able to do things at times is hard, but I no longer blame myself for it. Instead of being angry and ashamed I can choose to be kind. I reflect on which of my needs haven’t been met. Why am I paralysed or overstimulated? Did I eat enough, drink enough, sleep enough, did I wear my earplugs, did I get enough quiet time without socialising? Taking time for self-care has become imperative. I’m still working on finding the best way of managing my limited energy resources and improving pacing. It’s such a relief to know I’m no longer lost, that there are ways to deal with this. Yet it’s constant trial and error. To make things more difficult: most popular techniques for effectiveness and productivity are written by neurotypicals for neurotypicals. They don’t work for shit for ADHD. Discerning which tool or method really works is tricky.

Long wall of text is already long. For now, this will be last of personal ND journals since the series was meant to cover the time between my first contact to the point where I can look back. I’ll still write about typical ND stuff and basic information because it’s so important to spread the word. The more content can be found on the internet by affected people, the more we can grow as a community and help each other.

Thanks for reading all of this and all the best to you.

DS

Recommendations

If you’re looking for ADHD tools and methods for everyday life that work, and if you’re speaking German, I can thoroughly recommend following the work of Katharina Schön a.k.a. Guardian of Mind. She has some resources and information on neurodiversity that are not only extremely helpful but also not yet common knowledge in Germany. (Germany is far, far behind on psychological topics and methods.)

If you’re looking for ways to connect with ND communities online, I can recommend looking for such groups on Facebook and reddit. Many have really helpful and supporting people who offer their individual perspective in dealing with ADHD and other neurodivergent conditions.

Nice to meet you, Myself!

The journey of a late diagnosed adult – all parts of the blog series:

1. Disclosure – You have what?! – Harmful prejudices in society
2. Childhood – Growing up being different – Factors that influence ADHD
3. Hyperfocus – An ADHD superpower that comes with a price
4. Excitement and Connecting – The Ugly Duckling
5. Stages of Grief – making peace with what could have been
6. At the doctor’s – The first appointment wasn’t quite what I expected
7. Medication – Pros and cons and common misconceptions about meds
8. Diagnosis – Finally getting confirmation
9. From loser to Indigo Child? – Questions of self-perception and identity

★ additional articles related to neurodivergence, basic everyday stuff and life hacks ★

Disclaimer: I am not a doctor or qualified medical person. If you experience health issues, mental or physical, please get help from a professional. This website is not meant to give medical advice, just some basic information and examples about what it means to live with Autism or ADHD. Symptoms vary strongly between individuals.

My sources

When I’m writing about symptoms of neurodivergent disorders, the information comes from several sources: One of my main sources is ADXS.org, a site available in English and German. I also consult other sites, preferably with professional medical background. I usually don’t consult blogs of private persons if information can’t be verified.

Some things are my own observation and have been compared with other sources. I strive for accuracy and verified information. It’s not easy as a lot is still unknown about neurodiversity and many clichés are still being published that have been proven wrong years ago. If you stumble about somethings that you know for a fact is wrong, please get in touch by using either the comment form or the contact form.