Did this happen to you at some time? You were among strangers e.g. at a bus stop. You answer politely to a harmless question of a person, like “What time is it?” or “Is the bus 54 already through?” For unknown reasons, the asking person mistakes your polite answer for an invitation to spill the beans about something. This could be anything ranging from how their day was so far to what unusual health condition is ailing them at the time. In some cases they give you the complete reminiscences of their life. You continue to listen politely with a semi-fake smile on your lips and think Hell… What gives?!

The person talking to you is oversharing. They are giving you information about themselves you didn’t ask for. For you, this situation can turn into one of these:

• A great opportunity to make new friends and hear fascinating stories (Think Forrest Gump).
• A minor annoyance if they keep rambling about a topic that doesn’t interest you or people that you don’t know.
• A major assault of embarassement if they give you intimate details about their life or health.

If the latter is the case, you’re glad when your bus finally arrives. Or any bus at all as long as it’s going in the right direction. Which is, away from the bus stop. Public transport never gets boring.

Where does that come from?

There are many reasons why a person can slip into oversharing. They could be really lonely and are simply happy that they can talk to a friendly face. The decent thing to do would be to just give them room for their tale and just be there and listen.

Besides loneliness, oversharing can be caused by ADHD. It’s a quite common phenomenon. It’s a combined result of impulsiveness and social awkwardness often mixed with rejection sensitive dysphoria and impatience. ADHDers have a notorious short patience and need to get to the point asap. And: we have a huge… HUGE aversion to small talk.

The neurodivergent’s final boss: The Small Talk

ND* people often despise small talk with a vengeance. They live by a variant of Thumper’s Rule: “If you can’t say something meaningful, don’t say nothing at all.” Or, in severe cases: “Don’t waste my time with irrelevant bullshit.” Unfortunately, an ADHDer can’t always avoid getting involved in small talk. There are situations when it’s necessary to adapt and be polite. But, from my own experience, I can say that being forced to actively listen to small talk drains my energy levels like few things else. It makes my brain display a message “Small Talk has encountered an unexpected error, function not available”. Instead I get “zone out.exe is loading” (more about zoning out aka dissociating in a later article).

*ND = neurodivergent, see also here.

ADHD brains are always on the hunt for novelty, for things they have never heard of before. Fascinating things, shiny things that give them a boost of dopamine (more about dopamine in a future blog article). We don’t want to hear about the weather (except if it’s our special interest), we have weather apps ourselves, or we can look out of the window and see it outside. Also, we don’t need to hear about obvious things that everybody speaks of. We want to hear about e.g. that really obscure science fact you read about yesterday which may spark a new hyperfixation in us.

So when an ND person encounters other people, they urgently want to skip all that boring, draining small talk and jump right into the really cool topics. In sheer misjudgement or despair, they sometimes start oversharing. To speed things up or to make a meaningful connection with the newly encountered people. Or in complete disregard of what’s socially acceptable in a specific situation because the NDer isn’t as finely tuned into reading social cues.

What if you get overshared information you don’t want?

Let’s return to our bus stop situation. If it’s a one-off, don’t bother if it’s not too bad. But there may be cases when the oversharer starts using the same transport as you for commuting. If they latch on to you because you were kind and you do not wish to listen to their stories, you will have to take action. Tell them in kind words that you need some privacy or simply aren’t in the mood for stories every day. Or you might want to tell them that there are specific topics you don’t want to talk about because they are too intimate or icky.

If you suspect your oversharer might be ND you are very welcome to start oversharing yourself (if you get a word in edgewise). This will signal to them that you understand and are friendly and they may be more relaxed in your presence and lose the need to fill the conversational void. Or it may release another overshare. In this case, if you want to stop the information influx you may need direct words. But please remember that the person might not recognise social cues and means no harm.

A common misunderstanding is caused by the innocent phrase: “How are you?” ND people like to give you a literal account of their current well-being, in detail…

• because we sometimes take things too literal.
• because we think it’s so much more interesting than replying “Fine, how are you?”
• because replying with “fine” is superficial and therefore classified as small talk (see above).

So what if you’re oversharing?

“Did I really just say that to this person?” This is familiar for me. Sometimes, I start rambling and only realise from the expression on the other’s face that one of these instances occured:

• I talk too fast.
• I talk too much.
• I bore them to death.
• I give them a level 10 info dump on at topic that they’re still at level 1.
• I share information about my private life with total strangers.

Cringe level: Grandmaster infinite

Oversharing can have a serious impact on social life. If it gets really bad, it can drive people away from you. So far, I’ve yet to discover a recipe for stopping myself. If you happen to know one, please do share it in the comments below!

The only way I know of is being observant of yourself and of your conversation partners. Notice the little hints in their facial expression. Are they showing signs of annoyance, surprise, ick? Do they start looking sideways, are they changing their body pose as if they are ready to leave? Are they twisting a bit to the side, away from you?

Are there safe topics for oversharing?

It’s hard not to strain somebody’s ickyness tolerance if your favourite topics is e.g. spiders. If you have trouble recognising icky oversharing, make a list of your special interests. What do you like to talk about the most? Then carefully check how people usually react to these. If in doubt, just ask: “Do you also like spiders?”. If the answer is “no”, you should change the subject even if all you want to talk about right now are spiders (Yeah, I know it’s hard.)

Listen to yourself talking. Draw red lines for information you’ll never want to share with strangers. This can be your address, or even just the county you live in. Information about your children is another important one. Avoid giving names and schools, for example.

Being observant is effective but also exhausting and, unfortunately, close to masking. Like with all things concerning social interaction, there is no easy way for ND people to navigate these treacherous waters.

I’ll get back to you about masking soon! If you’re interested in reading about other ND topics, please feel free to add your suggestion in the comments below!

Final Oversharing Fun Fact:

Here’s my working theory: Oversharers attract other oversharers. Because we recognise each other on a subconscious level. Call me esoteric but I’ve been at the receiving end of so much overshared information by total strangers that it can’t be just random.

My sources

When I’m writing about symptoms of neurodivergent disorders, the information comes from several sources: One of my main sources is ADXS.org, a site available in English and German. I also consult other sites, preferably with professional medical background. I usually don’t consult blogs of private persons where information can’t be verified. Some things are my own observation and have been compared with other sources. I strive for accuracy and verified information. It’s not easy as a lot is still unknown about neurodiversity and many clichés are still being published that have been proven wrong years ago. If you stumble about somethings that you know for a fact is wrong, please get in touch by using either the comment form or the contact form.

Disclaimer: I am not a doctor or qualified medical person. If you experience health issues, mental or physical, please get help from a professional. This website is not meant to give medical advice, just some basic information and examples about what it means to live with Autism or ADHD. Symptoms vary strongly between individuals.

Nice to meet you, Myself!

The journey of a late diagnosed adult – all parts of the blog series:

1. Disclosure – You have what?! – Harmful prejudices in society
2. Childhood – Growing up being different – Factors that influence ADHD
3. Hyperfocus – An ADHD superpower that comes with a price

★ to be continued ★

additional articles related to neurodivergence,
basic everyday stuff and life hacks