Getting the diagnosis.

At the day of my appointment for the official ADHD test, I was so excited, even though I had a rough idea of what to expect. As if I wasn’t nervous enough, I got stuck in a traffic jam and had to call the clinic that I was going to be late to the appointment. I had waited for over six months to get this settled, I would not let a traffic jam get between me and my diagnosis.

Luckily, it wasn’t a problem and I arrived safely in the waiting area with a first questionnaire sitting on my lap that waited to be filled in. It was actually a bit of a disappoinment because the questionnaire only held six questions. I was supposed to rate my difficulties in various daily situations. Of course this kind of test isn’t really meaningful because those difficulties happen to everybody including “normal” people. (It’s actually one of the core problems that keeps people from recognising they might be affected: Everybody struggles from time to time.)

I’d spent the last eleven months reading every scrap of information that I could get my hands on regarding ADHD and now I only got six lousy questions? But of course this wasn’t all, there were more questions, much more questions, later on.

After a little while, I met the psychiatrist who was going to examine my disorder. She was a nice lady, much younger than I which confused me at first. (I’m reaching that age where I startle at medical authorities being much younger than myself. My inner self still feels like a 14-year-old and is used to doctors being old people.) After going over the first six questions that could result in everybody having ADHD, she asked me more detailed questions. Questions about my daily life and struggle, what kind of activities I have difficulties with and so on.

Masking even in front of myself

I noticed that I got into my own way when answering at first. Still unconsciously masking, still giving answers that would hide my desolate state and playing it down, pretending I was normal. The realisation hit me like a truck: Drop that fucking mask, she needs to see the real you.

She kept asking more and more questions that went further back in time: What had my childhood been like? And what about school? Did I have many friends, few, or none? Some of these questions really hit home hard, quite unexpectedly. And I realised I had never asked myself these questions because part of me had closed these doors a very long time ago. I had never dared go there. But I should have.

Up till then, I wasn’t really sure why I had been asked to bring my primary school reports with me. The teacher’s notes about my performance and behaviour had never held any surprises for me. But now I could interpret them in a different way. If you know what you’re looking for, the signs were already there. Back from 40 years ago, they whispered, “Finally…”

After two hours I got the result: Yes, confirmed, ADHD. I left the clinic with a wild mixture of emotions. Relief. My suspicion had been correct. Justification. I’m not crazy, at least not as much. Healing. I wasn’t broken but just different. Turmoil. Realisations of my childhood suddenly emerged from my memory. I held the print-out of the diagnosis in my hands as if it was a precious treasure.

A long journey

It’s been over a year since that appointment, and in the meantime I’ve read a lot more, both about ADHD and trauma. Since those doors into my childhood had re-opened so unexpectedly, I’ve been to some dark places. But I went there voluntarily, fully aware of what I might find there. I got those moth-eaten monsters out of their closets and asked them why they’re still here. I listened to their stories until I could ask them to leave. Some of those monsters still hang around but now I’m keeping in touch with them so they cannot go into hiding again.

Healing my inner child and coming to terms with my past struggles and self-disparagement is an ongoing process. Some days I really feel good, thinking I’m making good progress and other days… well, feel like going backwards instead. Old stuff that I thought I was over with still keeps popping up in my mind. Often, when I don’t expect it at all. And more often, when I don’t need it at all.

If you feel that you have unconscious stuff in your past that affects your life, please don’t hesitate to seek professional help in uncovering it. At the very least, I recommend educating yourself about the causes and consequences of trauma. Please note that I’m not speaking about the heavy stuff here, like accidents, violence or similar. I’m talking about the everyday trauma, the trauma that happens in childhood and can go unnoticed yet causes so much misery in people’s life. For me it was repeated bullying over many, many years. This was probably the biggest factor but there were more that don’t belong here.

I’m sharing all this stuff in the hope that it might help other people who are going through the same. Don’t give up, you are seen.

Nice to meet you, Myself!

The journey of a late diagnosed adult – all parts of the blog series:

1. Disclosure – You have what?! – Harmful prejudices in society
2. Childhood – Growing up being different – Factors that influence ADHD
3. Hyperfocus – An ADHD superpower that comes with a price
4. Excitement and Connecting – The Ugly Duckling
5. Stages of Grief – making peace with what could have been
6. At the doctor’s – The first appointment wasn’t quite what I expected
7. Medication – Pros and cons and common misconceptions about meds

★ to be continued ★

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Disclaimer: I am not a doctor or qualified medical person. If you experience health issues, mental or physical, please get help from a professional. This website is not meant to give medical advice, just some basic information and examples about what it means to live with Autism or ADHD. Symptoms vary strongly between individuals.

My sources

When I’m writing about symptoms of neurodivergent disorders, the information comes from several sources: One of my main sources is ADXS.org, a site available in English and German. I also consult other sites, preferably with professional medical background. I usually don’t consult blogs of private persons if information can’t be verified.

Some things are my own observation and have been compared with other sources. I strive for accuracy and verified information. It’s not easy as a lot is still unknown about neurodiversity and many clichés are still being published that have been proven wrong years ago. If you stumble about somethings that you know for a fact is wrong, please get in touch by using either the comment form or the contact form.