The last year was an emotional rollercoaster ride. Nobody tells you what happens in your psyche after learning that you have a neurodivergent condition. Doubt, acceptance, anger, relief and grief are just a few examples. When I first suspected that I might have ADHD, there was utter disbelief. Then growing acceptance because ADHD turned out to be something else entirely than what I had been taught all my life. And it answered so many questions. Relief and joy followed at dicovering that I wasn’t alone.

What I wasn’t prepared for was when grief hit. It took a couple of months along the journey. When your beliefs about yourself get shaken in an intense way, you inevitably start thinking about your life and you remember and re-evaluate situations from your past. “Oh, yes, the day when this and that happened – it was dreadful!” And suddenly a new thought emerges: “How would this particular situation have played out if I had been aware…?” What if…?

What would life have been if only somebody had told me why I was different? And why I experienced all this negativity and why I began thinking harmful thoughts about myself (I’m not good enough, don’t make an enough effort. Nobody likes me [this is called RSD as I learned later, a typical companion of neurodivergent conditions].)

What if…?

All these thoughts can open up an abyss and it’s very likely that you begin mourning all these lost years. I felt bitter and depressed when I realised how different my life could’ve been. All those years of anxiety, depression and sense of inferiority could have been avoided if only I had learned reasons and strategies earlier.

The well-known stages of grief have been proven an obsolete concept because grief is a highly individual experience. But they can still serve as a list of things that might appear and can give you orientation on how to deal with them. I got anger and depression. Acceptance was there all the time and helped me get through it. I didn’t experience any denial but there was relief instead. When my suspicions that I may have ADHD had been confirmed, there was deep, heartfelt relief. I ran headfirst into my (self-)diagnosis and embraced it fully.

There is nobody to blame for my lost years. When I was a kid, research was still lightyears away from what it is now. Because I’m mainly hypoactive and my school grades were always unremarkable, I went unrecognised. I don’t blame anybody for not noticing something off about me that they couldn’t see and didn’t know nothing about. But my hope is that knowledge and awareness spreads throughout society so others who struggle get recognition and support and don’t need to mourn any more “lost years”.

Thanks for reading and stay tuned for more.
DS

Nice to meet you, Myself!

The journey of a late diagnosed adult – all parts of the blog series:

1. Disclosure – You have what?! – Harmful prejudices in society
2. Childhood – Growing up being different – Factors that influence ADHD
3. Hyperfocus – An ADHD superpower that comes with a price
4. Excitement and Connecting – The Ugly Duckling
5. Stages of Grief – making peace with what could have been

★ to be continued ★

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Disclaimer: I am not a doctor or qualified medical person. If you experience health issues, mental or physical, please get help from a professional. This website is not meant to give medical advice, just some basic information and examples about what it means to live with Autism or ADHD. Symptoms vary strongly between individuals.

My sources

When I’m writing about symptoms of neurodivergent disorders, the information comes from several sources: One of my main sources is ADXS.org, a site available in English and German. I also consult other sites, preferably with professional medical background. I usually don’t consult blogs of private persons if information can’t be verified.

Some things are my own observation and have been compared with other sources. I strive for accuracy and verified information. It’s not easy as a lot is still unknown about neurodiversity and many clichés are still being published that have been proven wrong years ago. If you stumble about somethings that you know for a fact is wrong, please get in touch by using either the comment form or the contact form.