Greetings from the past. Sincerely, your younger Self.

➔ If you haven’t read it yet, part 1 is here.

Down the rabbit hole I went because I needed answers. Enter “ADHD” into Google and you will get a gazillion of hits. Some professional, some professional but out-dated and some pure esoteric. Nothing against a bit of magic in life but I wanted a solid foundation of facts. So I went searching for up to date medical sites. Finding a forum where people with verified diagnosis shared their experiences also helped a lot (more about my sources at the end of this text).

A basic accepted fact throughout society is that nobody really knows what exactly causes ADHD. Scientific research indentified some genes but nothing is concrete yet. ADHD has a modular build and each module affects the severety of symptoms in its own way.

The known modules are

• A strong genetic factor: If one of your parents has ADHD, there’s a chance of more than 70% percent that you have inherited it.
• Childhood influences: Simply put, a chaotic or neglectful childhood home is very likely to intensify ADHD-related problems whereas a loving and supporting home will likely make ADHDers shine in later life (so called scanner personalities).
• Drastic trauma: ADHD can develop spontaneously in previously neurotypical (“normal”) persons, either through physical brain damage or strong emotional trauma.

Analysing these modules was a big help in self-diagnosis. As I am writing this in October 2024, one year later, I have my confirmed, official psychiatric diagnosis. It was quite a long road to this point.

Taking the inventory

I could mostly rule out the drastic trauma module. Though I do carry trauma, I knew that I have been like this since I can remember, so it had to be genetic. Reflecting about my family confirmed the genetics: There is the family member who is notoriously known for accidentally dropping fragile things. And there is that family member who struggles with organisation and needs to write meticulous to-do-lists every day. There is the one who you ask to do something and they forget all about it the minute they walk out the room. Then there was that family member who couldn’t sit still and took valerian pills all life in an attempt to calm down. All of these are common ADHD traits.

Module 1 = Check. But I hesitated to confront my family with my suspicion. First I wanted to be as sure as I could get. This brought me to analysing childhood influences. I knew this would get tough.

My childhood had been quite uneventful, or hadn’t it…?

The process took months and is still unfolding with new reveals every now and then. Events I had forgotten about, or suppressed deep in a dark corner of my mind popped up one after the other.

I’d always known that something felt off. Even as a small child I realised that I saw the world with different eyes than the people around me, had different thoughts than everybody else. What was obvious to me was wildly exotic to others and vice versa. All my life people had looked at me as if I was unhinged. It could happen over something I said or some spontaneous reaction they weren’t prepared for and I couldn’t control. Over time and as a result of serious continuous bashing, I learned to suppress, to keep quiet, to tame myself. This process is called masking. Only during my “awakening” did I learn how harmful it actually is. (More about masking in a future blog article.)

I no longer want to mask and pretend that I am “normal” (whatever that is anyway). This doesn’t mean that I suddenly mutate into some impolite bitch and no longer adjust to social situations. I have no desire to use my disorder as a shield or excuse for bad behaviour. But I’m learning to communicate my boundaries and withdraw from a situation that feels harmful at that time.

Returning to the origin of trauma

During my screening for ADHD, the psychiatrist kept asking me questions about my childhood and how I had gotten along with other children. The answer is, not good at all. The first ten years at school were hell. I was the child that got bullied because it was so easy getting me to bawl my eyes out. I was the one standing on the sideline, the oddball. Us neurodivergent peeps are often highly emotional and feel everything more intense than neurotypics which makes us perfect victims. I did have only few friends but I valued them deeply. But they were too few to protect me from the bullies.

During elementary school I developed all kinds of health issues like constant nausea and infections; my body reacted so strongly because I didn’t want to go to school. School was the place where I was bullied, where I was worth nothing, where nobody would help me.

It left scars in my soul that still influence my life. Healing my inner child has become even more important but also easier, now that I know why she suffered so hard and I keep telling her it wasn’t her fault and there’s nothing wrong with her.

ADHD paradox

It’s a vicious circle that amplifies the adverse effects of ADHD: High emotional reactivity -> bullying -> trauma -> more reactivity -> more bullying -> more trauma. What should be a blessing becomes a curse in the wrong circumstances.

The bullying left me with an urgent sense of alertness. When you never know when or from where the next attack will come, it messes with your head and nervous system. I can now “read” the atmosphere in any room. This should be a useful asset but at the same time it means that I can barely relax when there are other people around that I don’t know (i.e. everywhere outside my house). This sounds like an amazing superpower for a secret agent but it is exhausting for a normal human. My nervous system is always operating beyond its natural limitations which leads to constant fatigue. Till a year ago, this was so natural for me that I didn’t even notice I was doing this. Now I’m un-learning alertness and allow myself to wear ear protection in public so my nervous system isn’t stimulated as much.

A superpower! … Or not.
The ADHDer’s innert berserk mode

Another consequence of an ADHDer’s hypersensitivity is the ability to hear, see and sense everything. All. The. Fucking. Time. Acutely and without an Off-switch. (With the exception of when we are in hyperfocus when everything disappears, including hunger, thirst and the need to pee until we get so grumpy, we can’t ignore it any longer. Yay for ADHD paradox!) The hypersensitity is caused by dysfunctional filters in the brain. The prefrontal cortex can’t prioritise correctly which stimulus is important due to lack of dopamine. So every stimulus is treated with the same priority which leads to chaos and overload. (More about the anatomical implications and the Everlasting Quest for Dopamine in a future article.)

Overstimulation can happen quickly and sometimes without warning. At its worst, it resembles a nervous breakdown. There were several occasions when I completely lost it during my youth. One example: I had a massive sensory overload on a school trip. We were supposed to have a fun day at a water skiing site and I tried to don the neoprene suit. I couldn’t bear the sticky, clammy thing on my skin and something went all-out berserk in my head.

It felt life-threatening and was a moment of complete dissociation and utter fear. My teacher helped me to get out of the suit again and directed me to the shower in the changing room. She did her best to calm me down. When the water washed the horrid feeling off my skin, I slowly got back to my senses. I never had an explanation for this incident. It was a complete mystery until I read about sensory overload/overwhelm.

Nowadays, teachers and carers get trained in recognising sensory overload, meltdowns* and shutdowns* and act accordingly to support the child. But if you had a meltdown or sensory overload in the eighties and nineties, you were simply a hysterical whacko and got no sustained help once the fit was over. If you didn’t get lucky and had a teacher who already had experience in dealing with neurodivergent children, you were on your own.

*Meltdown and shutdown are terms associated exclusively with Autism. But personally, I think that a sensory overload is very much related and is triggered by similar circumstances. If you’re autistic/AuDHD and can explain the difference, I’d be genuinely interested in hearing about it.

Rebirth

It only got better when I could leave school hell behind: I switched school when I started on getting my vocational diploma. It was a specialised school for graphics and art – everybody was an oddball and I loved it. Getting a fresh start and being surrounded by people who were used to seeing the world differently, like me, was a quantum leap. For the first time, I felt like I could be myself with people outside my family. A bigger audience noticed my talent and creativity and I received praise and constructive criticism from my peers. My life took a positive turn. Ironically, at this stage ADHD helped quite a lot because it enables me to hyperfocus, which made me produce artwork like a world champion for hours on end. Read more on hyperfocus and its ups and down in the next part.

Thanks for your time and interest, I hope this article is helpful to you!

Nice to meet you, Myself!

The journey of a late diagnosed adult – all parts of the blog series:

1. Disclosure – You have what?! – Harmful prejudices in society
2. Childhood – Growing up being different – Factors that influence ADHD
3. Hyperfocus – An ADHD superpower that comes with a price

★ to be continued ★

additional articles related to neurodivergence,
basic everyday stuff and life hacks

My sources

When I’m writing about symptoms of neurodivergent disorders, the information comes from several sources: One of my main sources is ADXS.org, a site available in English and German. I also consult other sites, preferably with professional medical background. I usually don’t consult blogs of private persons where information can’t be verified. Some things are my own observation and have been compared with other sources. I strive for accuracy and verified information. It’s not easy as a lot is still unknown about neurodiversity and many clichés are still being published that have been proven wrong years ago. If you stumble about somethings that you know for a fact is wrong, please get in touch by using either the comment form or the contact form.

Disclaimer: I am not a doctor or qualified medical person. If you experience health issues, mental or physical, please get help from a professional. This website is not meant to give medical advice, just some basic information and examples about what it means to live with Autism or ADHD. Symptoms vary strongly between individuals.