“You’re so scatterbrained, get your stuff together.” If this sounds familiar, then you have my sympathy. Forgetfulness is something that happens to all people, also to NTs (neurotypical people). But in ADHDers, forgetfulness is a built-in feature that’s almost always present.

Only recently I realised once more how harmful forgetfulness is to social interaction: I forgot to do something. A small thing, nothing serious but the other person was upset because this already happened a couple times in the past. In this moment, when the other person was upset with me, I felt incredibly hurt (RSD*, anyone?). I don’t mean any harm and I don’t do it on purpose but I forget things because that’s what happens with ADHD: You forget shit. A lot. It doesn’t matter how many alarms I set on my mobile, how many post-its I glue to my desk, I forget shit. You can ask me to do something and I literally forget it in the second it takes to turn around.

*rejection sensitive dysphoria, more about this ADHD symptom in a future blog article

I tried to explain that yes, of course, I would do my best next time but that I couldn’t guarantee 100% that I could remember. The other person wouldn’t understand that because they can’t accept or imagine that there are actual physical differences in brain built between us.

A significant shift in awareness

Their reply was: “Oh, come on. It’s not that hard. You only have to remember it! Anybody can do it. You just have to pull yourself together!” At a time when I didn’t knew I had ADHD I would have felt stupid and incompetent and would scold myself for being so useless. But now with my current knowledge, something new and very different happened: Instead of being hard on myself I felt hard toward the other person, even got angry because they wouldn’t understand that I can’t do anything about it and really do my best. It’s not fun to forget stuff you’re supposed to do, the consequences are awful, right?

To be very clear about this: I don’t use ADHD as an excuse. If I did I wouldn’t have masked so hard all my life to the point of burn out. From an early age on, I learned the hard way that I had to write everything down that was super-important so I wouldn’t forget it. And even then, if the to-do list got lost, then I got lost. I can think and instantly forget more thoughts in one minute than any neurotypical person could but this is not my fault, I was born with this condition.

Everybody is born with their very own brain configuration and their very own physical strengths and weaknesses. ADHD is an invisible disability* in the same way that depression, anxiety and other mental conditions are disabling. The problem with invisible disabilities is, well, yeah, they’re not obvious, not seen. Sometimes not even by the ones suffering from it until we stumble over our diagnosis.

*I hesitate to call ADHD a disability because it isn’t. But in this specific context it fulfils the definition of being a disability because a societal expectation of function can’t be met due to perceived physical deficiencies.

But where does that forgetfulness come from?

With ADHD, the working memory is often impaired. ADHDers get easily distracted and our brain can’t prioritise effectively. This is because of the dopamine disbalance in the brain (more in a future blog). Add to that a deficiency in object permanence.

Stress is one of the biggest causes for forgetfulness. This is true for both NDs and NTs, although in NDs stress increases the already existing problems a lot. I have bad days and worse days. The default setting is “bad”, when I get stressed it switches to “worse”. It has gotten better since I’m on medication but the pills are no magic potion that make all bad stuff disappear in a cloud of fairy glitter.

The bottom line

If you know somebody who seems to struggle with disorganisation and forgetfulness, please be kind and consider that it may not be their fault. They might be suffering from an invisible disability and might have ADHD and they don’t do it on purpose; they simply can’t help themselves. If they are NT, then maybe they’re currently suffering from immense stress. Don’t put any more pressure on them. In both cases, the person knows they’re struggling and it’s affecting them badly. Don’t make it any harder for them. ❤️

Thanks for taking the time to read this. If you’re affected by forgetfulness, please know that you are not alone.

Nice to meet you, Myself!

The journey of a late diagnosed adult – all parts of the blog series:

1. Disclosure – You have what?! – Harmful prejudices in society
2. Childhood – Growing up being different – Factors that influence ADHD
3. Hyperfocus – An ADHD superpower that comes with a price

★ to be continued ★

additional articles related to neurodivergence,
basic everyday stuff and life hacks

My sources

When I’m writing about symptoms of neurodivergent disorders, the information comes from several sources: One of my main sources is ADXS.org, a site available in English and German. I also consult other sites, preferably with professional medical background. I usually don’t consult blogs of private persons where information can’t be verified. Some things are my own observation and have been compared with other sources. I strive for accuracy and verified information. It’s not easy as a lot is still unknown about neurodiversity and many clichés are still being published that have been proven wrong years ago. If you stumble about somethings that you know for a fact is wrong, please get in touch by using either the comment form or the contact form.